a few weeks ago, i happened upon the most relevant buzzfeed article i’ve ever happened upon (which i admit is a bit of a grandiose statement to make, given the website’s propensity to fuel my sense of self-loathing and deprecation with gifs that always seem to exactly capture whatever i am feeling). i can’t quite recall the title of the post, but it was something to do with milestones every graduate student encounters.
now let me tell you, reading through those milestones (scrolling through those gifs)? was like witnessing a narration of the last year of my life. when you start your master’s degree, you are filled with jubilation and a large dosage of self-validation. i mean, you got in. they wanted you! chants of you were born for this fill your mind as you prep for orientation. and you feel like you’re a kid again, really, all the nervous excitement and the uncertainty, but you also feel ready. you trust yourself for making this decision, for dedicating another two or so years to the pursuit of knowledge, something i still can’t quite wrap my head around.
before you know it, thesis writing bears down on you, and the immensity of the task you’re facing becomes very, very real. suddenly you don’t feel quite so self-assured of your decision to continue your schooling, to fill your brain with more knowledge, to get a better grasp of the world’s complexity. let me tell you, that’s the stage i am at, and have been at, for the past two months, and it’s a struggle. on the one hand the pride i have for being brave enough to dedicate a year or two of my life to this task seems worth it. on the other, the responsibility i feel towards doing this topic justice is overwhelming. there’s just so much – so much reading, so much writing, so much mapping, so much trying to fit the pieces together in your head that you begin to question if it really is possible, to make sense of whatever you’re trying to make sense of.
the first draft of my thesis is due on friday (!!!) and i’ve been oscillating between zen-like calm and panic for the past month. while i think i’ve made a lot of headway, i still don’t feel like my paper’s in a place i’m wholly comfortable with yet. i am hoping (crossing my fingers) that in the 11th hour, things will click. they usually do.